inventory

i think it's important to take inventory on my thoughts when they come fast and hard or else they sorta start to worm their way into my soul and weigh me down and eat away at the quiet parts of my body.

so i need to put them out there, even on a place like this where no one will read them because then they are out and then they can't burrow and then i am free of them.

do you sometimes listen to music and the very chords rip at your heartstrings and pull you apart. because that's how i do and that's how i know i am listening to the best kind of music. the music that comes from scary places that you don't really want to envision existing in anyone, but especially not yourself. 

olafur, you guys. olafur.

well. sometimes i don't know where to begin and sometimes i don't know how to begin and those are two very different things.

i'm blessed in a way that i cannot begin to understand. i do not feel deserving of such blessings. i do not feel like i live up to the greatness that i have been given, for whatever reason. i do not live up to capacity, i do not do enough. i am not enough to enough people, and i don't know if i ever will be.

i have a beautiful life and i am so happy but there is a part of me that will always feel like everything is going to come crashing down at any given moment. maybe this is because i am human, or maybe it is because i have come to expect disappointment in my life. but regardless, i feel like i am more blessed than what i am worth. and i am skeptical.

when i think about the way my life has gone, i feel like it's some story that i've made up. met the man of my dreams at 16, married him at 18, created the most precious baby at 19, lived happily ever after????

i don't talk about andrew enough. on social media i guess i try to play down my affection (ha good one, catherine) but i really do try not to be overly mushy and sappy and whatever because i know that too much of that grosses people out. i don't often tell andrew that i love him on social media because i typically think that kind of thing is too personal for such public places. so i try to keep things more surface level and funny and like "hey thanks for buying me a cheeseburger" which everyone knows is me saying "i love you" but it's done in a way that is more enjoyable to the public who are inevitably reading it.

but sometimes i wish that i could tell the public that andrew is everything in the world to me. i love him with a deep love that cannot be adequately explained or conveyed. it's a sort of love that transcends words and actions and it is the most important thing that i have ever done, or will ever do, with my life. i love him and it's not a phrase that i throw around and it's not a til death do us part thing. it's a part of my life, my body, my soul. it has consumed me and lifted me up and it can never be severed from me. loving andrew has become an unchanging factor of my life. there is no getting over or moving on or potential possibilities. it is me and it is andrew and it is us for as long as my soul exists in some capacity. and it is far more than i ever thought i was capable of.

when i am mad at him, he is the person i want to go to for comfort.

i don't know what i did to deserve these feelings at the age of 21, but i am in awe and i never take it for granted.

(i reserve the right to post old photobooth pictures of us ok? why am i defending myself to myself this is getting weird. moving on)

and milo.
milo.
milo has belonged to me far before either of us existed. milo has always been mine and i feel that maybe the 20 years of my life before him were all preparing me for being his mother. it is what i was born to do. it is my purpose on this planet. being a mother to milo. and lila and jack and whoever else decides to join our family in the future. i have known them forever and finally getting to meet them and bestow upon them all the love and knowledge and happiness i can muster, is my greatest calling.

i wish i could give my friends the perspective that i have. they are so stuck in little things in life sometimes i just want to explain to them how much more life has to offer. so much more they have yet to discover. haven't even scratched the surface.

so there are my thoughts. there is my inventory.
clarity.