byeee~

there's some sort of retrospective post dying to be written here, but i'm really struggling with it, to be totally honest. i'm not sure why i'm typing at all really because like clearly i have nothing to say. but i do know that some of my best writings come from ramblings that i simply hope will find their way eventually..

this has honestly been the combination of the most blissfully wonderful and more stressful and terrifying year or my life. a year ago right now i was passing a kidney stone, which was easily the most painful thing i've ever done. then i had 3 more months of pregnancy, which was oftentimes stressful, worrying if my baby was okay and going to be "normal" and healthy and being terrified of child birth etc. but then milo came and with it came all the love in the world. being a mom is definitely hard but it's such an enjoyable kind of hard.

then we went to san antonio which was just such ... the worst. there's no way around it. both andrew and i hated every second of it. it was stressful on our marriage, only because we both felt so out of place and unsure and also a slave to the circumstances. we felt like our decision making powers had been stripped of us and we had no choice but to stick it out, and that is a terrible place to be in.

we came back from texas and had a week together before andrew had to go back for another three weeks and i hated that so so so much. as hard as it was on me being a single mom to a 4 month old for that time, i think it was infinitely harder on andrew being in that toxic, terrible environment without me as a support to him. honestly it was just the worst summer.

BUT it didn't last forever and he came back and school happened and i was so happy to be doing something with my life again. it's hard to explain but while being a stay at home is incredibly rewarding and ultimately what i want to do with my life... sometimes it just doesn't seem like enough. so it honestly felt so nice to have a couple baby free hours every day to go to school and feel like i was doing something for myself. i don't know.

being a parent is weird because you're always just SO happy and SO emotional all at once.

i'm really proud that this year i got over some really big jealousy and self-deprecation issues. my body has basically been through hell and back but i've somehow figured out a way to be (somewhat) confident in myself. and the one person who used to plague me, i made into a friend. and that feels good, i guess.

i feel like i am a lot less conceited and i have less desire to be special. i feel like for a long time i felt like i was special because i got married to my dream dude at 18 and that doesn't happen to most people, and i kind of used that to build my confidence and rode on that for awhile. but i think i've realized this year that it doesn't really matter if my relationship is better or "more special" than anyone else. it's enough for me to be enough for my family. i don't need to prove to everyone that my marriage is special, i just need to know that my marriage is special and appreciate it and work to keep it that way. that is enough.

i kind of sucked at being a parent today. partly because i felt so sick all morning but also i guess i just woke up angry and it festered and then i took it out on milo and i feel like crap for that. i know that not every day i'm going to be a great parent, and i'm not sure i've ever been the picture perfect parent. but. i don't know where i'm going with this.

this is getting long.

i think that overall i am still very much the same person, but i like to think i am a lot less selfish and a lot less worried about what people think of me, or even if people think about me.

2015 is going to be a good year. a really, really good year.
and we will never go to texas again.