memory capsule [3]

the day after I found out I was pregnant I started having really sharp pains and cramps in my abdomen. I remember as I got in bed that night I started crying because I was so sure the cramps meant I was miscarrying. And even though I'd only known you for a day and even though you weren't even a human being yet, but a little sac of DNA, I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. I had no idea who you were or what you would become but I loved you more than anything.

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When I was around 16 weeks pregnant I was laying in bed and it was probably 2 in the morning. I couldn't sleep because I had been up reading pregnancy forums which inevitably led to reading pages and pages of posts from people who had late miscarriages or stillborns or early deliveries. It was so stupid but it terrified me. (I was kind of a paranoid pregnant person) I was worried sick. We had our gender ultrasound coming up and I entirely convinced myself that when they pulled your image up on that screen that you would be a tiny little body with no heartbeat. 

I felt sick to my stomach at the thought that you could be dead inside me for a whole week before my ultrasound. You could've been dead for awhile and I would've had no way of knowing. 

I tried so hard to push that thought from my mind. To fall asleep and wake in the morning with fresh perspective and optimism. But the panic kept swelling up in my throat and my hands were shaking and I just knew that you were dead. I knew that my life was too perfect right now and something had to give, and that thing was you. 

At the peak of this panic attack I did the only thing I could think of to do. I said I prayer. I don't think I've ever said a more desperate prayer in my life. I was just begging for you to be okay. And I was begging to know that you were okay I seriously just begged for probably 5 minutes saying over and over again how much I loved you and needed you to be healthy. 

After I finished I rolled over onto my left side because supposedly that's the best side to be on to help your baby. Don't ask me why. But I rolled to my left side and as I lay there I felt you kick. I had never felt you move before and I held my breath waiting to feel another. I felt a faint fluttering in my tummy, like there was a butterfly stuck inside trying to fly out. And then a few distinct taps right below my belly button. I knew it was you. I knew it was you letting me know you were okay and that you weren't going anywhere. 

You kicked and wiggled around for about five minutes to reassure me and then you went back to bed. And I followed suit.