3/14

Milo has been so simultaneously perfect and terrible lately. He is screaming and tantruming and going all noodley on the floor more than ever lately. He blatantly ignores us and is just so gosh darn sensitive about everything. But gee whiz I love him so much. He is starting to mimic words more and more each day as he gets more confident in them, and I try to be really encouraging of that because he gets so self-conscious and embarrassed if he feels like he tries to say a word and can't say it the right way. I think that's the biggest reason why he isn't talking very much yet, because he won't try to say words until he knows he can say it at least mostly correct. He is so so so self-aware and sensitive, and sometimes I worry about how that will translate into him being a young adult. But I hope that he will grow into it in a way that will allow him to be both sensitive but not like... a total emotional disaster. 

He is also more snuggly and sweet and wonderful than ever. He sings ALL the time. Singing is just about the only time where he'll try to mimic sounds without worrying about if he's saying words correctly, which I love. I love that he feels a certain amount of confidence with singing and music, and I love that he pays such close attention to music that he can accurately mimic the vowel sounds. He also is constantly trying to mimic and copy the motions of people on tv. He just wants to act out everything he sees and it legitimately melts my heart.

I've still been feeling guilty in a Big Way. Milo loves daycare, as far as I can tell. He is so happy to be there every morning and always seems fine when we pick him up. He's been difficult on the weekends, and I've worried that maybe he resents me a little bit for not being around as much as he's used to. But also... he's 2 so being difficult is probably just in the cards no matter what. 

I do wish, now that it's getting warmer, that I could just play outside with him and go on walks with him and take him to story time, but I know that what I'm doing right now is more important for us at this stage, and is important to get us to where we want to be, financially speaking. Like, with a house and a second car and health insurance for all of us, etc. So it's hard because I know what I'm doing is the best thing for our family at this time, and I also know that this is just a short season... like basically just until whenever the heck I have another kid- and then I go back to being a stay at home mom. But I still just feel this measure of guilt that I can't be there every minute of the day for Milo like I want to be. He's just so unbelievably perfect, and also I cannot stand him. haha And that is life with a toddler. 

On the baby front there is good news and there is bad news. The bad news is that I'm not pregnant. But, you know, considering everything that could be bad news- this is bad news I can live with. The GOOD news is that this past month, being my first month off clomid and everything, has been so much better than previous months. I haven't allowed myself to track my cycle at all, temperatures or otherwise. I genuinely had no idea what day of my cycle I was on, or when I would be ovulating, or anything like that. And this month was so much smoother and nicer and less stressful because of it. Also, the biggest thing of note- is that this month where my cycle was back to "normal". Like, before I got pregnant with Milo my cycle was always always always 28 days no matter what, and ever since I stopped breastfeeding Milo it has been alllll over the place and never consistent. SO ANYWAY, basically all I'm saying is this cycle is the first one since I got PREGNANT WITH  MILO (almost 3 years ago) that I had a normal 28 day cycle. So that makes me hopeful that maybe things with my body are finally getting back to normal, which at the very least, makes me feel a lot better about my life in general. 

SO YES. There is your nice TMI update and that is literally everything happening in my life right now. I still get hit with these pockets of absolute devastation and hopelessness about the situation, specifically when someone announces a pregnancy or has a baby... which happens way more often than I would like. But overall I'm doing okay and I'm still optimistic and I still just feel like it's going to happen... I just need to patient and remember how worth it this journey will be someday.