4 weeks (and 4 days)

^ yeah there's nothing yet. 

WELL I'm pregnant. I don't know how it happened, to be perfectly honest, and I wasn't really expecting it to happen yet but here we are and I am ecstatic and terrified and optimistic and worried. But I've decided I want to publicly document this one. Even if it ends in two weeks like the others did, it is significant and occupies every part of my brain and I don't want to just pretend like it never happened, even if it doesn't turn out how I want.

Today I am 4 1/2 weeks, according to the internet. Baby is due March 17, about a week and a half after Milo's 3rd birthday. I've been referring to it as Baby J, because both our boy and girl name of choice happen to start with a J :)

I took a test yesterday on a whim, not really expecting anything. But I just wanted to get it over with and know and be done with it. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure when I ovulated or anything like that. I wasn't paying attention even a little bit this cycle. The second line showed up literally within 10 seconds and it was DARK and it was so so obvious and I didn't even have to look twice to know it was positive, which honestly has never happened, even with Milo's pregnancy. It was like 6:30 and I went running into the bedroom and woke Andrew up and shoved the test in his face and we just couldn't believe it, honestly. It had been so so long since we had a positive test.

Part of me doesn't want to let myself get too excited, or make plans are even talk about it too much, because I'm so afraid of another miscarriage. But I know that worrying about it won't change anything, so I'm just trying really hard to focus on the good things, and not worry about the sad unless they happen.

The two other miscarriages we had were both at 5 weeks and 6 days, so honestly I'm just praying I make it to 6 weeks. I'm on progesterone this cycle, and I've heard so many positive stories about people who continuously had early miscarriages and went on to have several more children with the help of progesterone. We'll just have to see, I guess. But definitely once I hit 6 weeks I think I will be able to relax a lot more, and then when I go in for my ultrasound at 8 weeks and can actually see/hear a heartbeat I think I'll let myself think this might be the real deal.

As far as symptoms go I basically have three. And they are all intense.

1. I pee like every 30 minutes and every time I'm like running to the bathroom hoping I make it in time. It's just like this urgent need. Even right after I finish I still feel like I have to go... It's great.

2. HUNGER. It's interesting, I don't remember being starving when I was pregnant with Milo. If anything, I didn't feel like eating at all. But currently I literally cannot eat enough. I eat about every two hours. Like a FULL meal. I'll eat everything. Everything sounds good. Always. We'll see how long it lasts. :)

3. The exhaustion is so so real. My goodness. I do remember being just absolutely dead tired with Milo. I'd sleep in until like 10 or 11 and then take a 3 hour nap a few hours later. Unfortunately I have a 2 year old and a full time job now, so I can't do that anymore. :( I awake up a little before 6 and don't get back home until around 4. Usually this isn't a problem for me, but this week I've just been dragging. I literally took a 20 minute nap at my desk today on accident. And I usually fall asleep for the night when I put Milo to bed around 9.

Currently I'm definitely experiencing a lot of cramping and bloating. My boobs huuuuuurt. Other than that, I feel pretty good. No nausea yet, which is GREAT. And like I said, no aversions or anything. And no real cravings either... just whatever I can get my hands on I'll eat.

I've told 5 friends and that's it. Our families don't know yet, and we're going to wait until we get an ultrasound next month, I think. It's just too hard for me to have to call and tell everyone I miscarried. Andrew did it for me last time, but it was hard on him too. So for now we're going to wait. I'm just praying so so hard that this is the one.