so in case you haven't noticed, i haven't really inhabited this space in awhile. i've had more than enough thoughts to fill up blog posts and i've been thinking about writing and feeling like i need to get so many things out there into the world. but every time i sit down to write i am consumed with fear. i'm afraid to start writing about the things i'm feeling because i'm afraid of what i will find.
writing is such a weird process for me. it's the most therapeutic thing that i can do. it's the only way that i feel like i properly address my feelings and come to understand them. i think i tend to have a lot of complex feelings and sometimes i don't even know what i'm feeling until i start to write them down.
bleh okay so all that to say that i have been afraid of writing lately. but it's gotten to a point where i think it's harmful to keep ignoring it and i'm trying to be nice to myself, because i'm really good at being mean to myself and that's something i want to change.
the problem with these is that i never ever know where the heck to start ugh i dont even know what to say.
yesterday was a really weird day. it started with news that i had been anticipating and dreading and honestly knew was coming- but it still hurt. and honestly it hurt way more than i expected it to. and i felt sad and dumb for feeling sad. and people kept saying "it could be so much worse, you could have it so much worse" and like what kinda bs comfort is that. but it sucks because i know that people are just trying to help and i know that helping someone who is grieving is almost impossible. like it's not like you can /actually/ say anything that is going to heal them. so i usually just try to appreciate the fact that people are trying to help you know.
i've recently discovered that i really suck at receiving sympathy. over the internet or something is totally fine but i hate hearing that sad sympathy in peoples voices or the way their faces look. i can't do it. i don't want to see other people's reactions to the way i'm feeling. it makes me feel worse and it makes me feel guilty because i don't want my problems to ruin other people's day. i don't want anything about my life to ever make someone else sad. which i know is literally impossible but i hate that. and i hate feeling like i have to be strong and comfort the people around me who are sad about things that i am going through. even though i know they don't expect that- it's the way that i feel.
so i made andrew tell everybody my sad news. even my sister. i just couldn't stand to tell them and hear their tone of voice 180 and get sad and sympathetic.
i don't know why i hate it. and i don't know what i would rather people do- because i obviously want people to address my issues and not just brush them off.
i think that's the hard thing about grief is that there isn't really anything people can do that's going to help and you can't really fault people for trying to help. it's just this big messy crappy ball of grossness that i hate dealing with.
anyway, so the rest of yesterday was actually really good. like i pretty much just talked to amy all day and she distracted me from everything which is like- everything i needed. i don't know how she does it but she always manages to say the right thing at the right time ALL THE TIME so like. she's perfect. so yeah, distractions are great. and then i got an email from hannah and that just made my day. like i had been waiting so long to get an email from her and hear about how things were going and just.. i just needed it so bad. i miss her so much.
so yeah most of the day i felt fine and i felt like i was handling it and i felt sad but it wasn't overwhelming and it wasn't debilitating and it was just an acceptable sadness.
and then nighttime happened and sylvia went to bed and amy went to bed and i ran out of distractions and it was 2 am and i checked my email and had gotten another one from hannah with some pictures in it. and idk just seeing her in pictures with her missionary nametag and everything just like, hit me in the chest with how much i miss her and also how proud i am of her because holy crap i could never do anything like what she's doing.
and then the whole baby thing hit me again and the reality of it and just. everything felt empty. and then andrew came in and i don't know what it is but that guy just like. just seeing him immediately makes me feel the truest form of myself that i am at that moment. i don't really know how to explain it. but just. i always feel exactly like my very raw and vulnerable self when it's just me and him and it's a different kind of me than anyone else gets and sometimes that version of me just cries all the time because feeling so vulnerable with someone is really just. incredible and scary. scary in a good way. guys i can't explain it. sometimes though someone looks at you in exactly the right way and you know they're reading every single aspect of you in an instant and that they know literally everything going through your brain in that moment and for me, it's just a very overwhelming and emotional thing.
but what i'm trying to say is that andrew came in and just looked at me and i immediately started crying because i knew that he knew how i was feeling and i also knew that he was the only other person in the whole world that was capable of feeling that same way because it was his kid too, you know. and i just think that more than anything is marriage. we didn't have to talk about how we felt or what we were going to do to feel better. we didn't have to analyze what happened. we just needed to see each other and just be with each other and there's just such a healing power in that.
i was just crying and i said something like "i just want this part to be over" and andrew said something like "i'm so glad that you're the person i get to share this part with."
and now i'm crying again ahhhh
during milo's pregnancy i was always terrified that something was going to happen before he was born and i always thought "if i'm this scared before he's born i'm going to be a baSKET CASE when he's actually here" but then he got here and i just immediately felt this overwhelming peace that everything would be okay and that he was going to be okay and that even if something were to happen that i would be okay. and throughout his life i've just always had this mantra that goes through my head whenever i feel anxious and it is that "it is a privilege to know him, and a privilege to love him, and the ultimate privilege to be his mom"
it is a privilege to be pregnant, no matter how brief. and it is a privilege to have milo. it is a privilege to be married to andrew. it is a privilege to have friends like amy and hannah. it is a privilege to miss them more than anything. it is a privilege to be me and to live the life that i live and to feel the way i do- happy and sad, and all the complexities in-between. i am blessed and i am grateful.
last night after i was (mostly) done crying andrew and i laid next to each other and he asked if i would say a prayer. it was simple and short and tear-filled and i don't remember most of it but i thanked my savior for my family and for my life and i asked him to bless us with another baby whenever the timing is right.
and i know that he will.
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