*clears throat*

hello?

it's me.
and i don't know where i am.

i've been forever thinking about writing a post on my blog sort of talking about miscarrying but not exactly talking about miscarrying. like, i want to mention it but i don't want it to be *about* miscarrying.

i go back and forth between feeling relieved that i'm not pregnant and being just. sad. and i'm sick of talking about it and i'm sick of thinking about it and i hate that it's an ongoing thing in my life. it isn't yet a thing that happened, but a thing that is happening. i mean, yes the actual miscarrying part it over but the feelings of loss and the sadness is an ongoing thing. and i honestly think it will continue to be a thing until i am pregnant again, and until i have a safe and successful pregnancy. and it's the not knowing when that will be that just kills.

everything feels repetitive to the point that it doesn't feel real anymore and that is a terrible place to be.

maybe eventually i'll write a public blog that somewhat addresses everything. but i guess i don't feel ready.

i used to not understand what people meant when they said they didn't feel ready. like, what does that even mean?

but now i get it. and i don't feel ready. and maybe i won't feel ready until it's over. and that's okay too.