anxiety

i've been on antidepressants for ... i dunno, 3 or 4 months now i think. and gosh, they've been so helpful. i am such a happier person. i am a normal person now. i can function and i can think clearly and i can be productive.

but today is a bad today. and i hate bad days so much. some people i know are finding out the gender of their baby today, and they posted a picture of her laying on the table and the baby up on the ultrasound thing and i have been sad and anxious ever since.

this time around miscarrying felt even less real than the first. partly, i think, because it happened on a day when i truly did not have time to feel sad about it. it was my very last UVU symphony concert and i had rehearsal all day before the concert, and i just did not have time to worry about my body.

sunday i didn't go to church and legitimately just slept all day long, because that's basically the only way i could escape thinking about things more. also though, because i was tired and my body hurt and i just needed a day to rest.

and now it's wednesday and the realness of everything is beginning to sink in. the realness that i have to try this yet another time. i have to go through the stress of getting pregnant, and then the endless worry that is the first week or two of being pregnant, expecting to miscarry at any time.

i am hopeful and i am terrified and to be honest i have considered just taking a break from everything because i don't know how much more of this uncertainty i am willing to go through. but i know i am supposed to have more kids. i don't know why it's taking forever, but i know that it's what i'm supposed to be doing. and i know that as soon as i have a new baby in my arms that all this will be worth it. it's just the journey that i'm afraid of.

i can't get out of bed today. i cannot bring myself to move. i can't get my heart out of my throat and this feeling that everything is falling apart and nothing is in my control just pounds away in my chest.

not to mention all the homework that i have due this week, adding to my anxiety.

the other day someone asked me how i said "I'm great" so fast that i didn't even realize what i was saying. it's like this stupid defense mechanism because most people think i'm so happy and fun and whatever, and i don't want to ruin that for them. so my body just automatically puts on a happy face and says "I'm great!!!!!!" before i get a chance to think about how i actually feel.

milo is awake, so i should probably go get him. i am so blessed to have him. he makes everything so hard, but i can't imagine going through all of this without him.

andrew too. :)